Ten people life wouldn’t be the same without

1. God
Him upstairs, The Lord, The Big Guy, Allah, Our Heavenly Father, Jehovah- Whatever you want to call him, he’s important. The Man without whom no chart gets compiled

2. Chris Reason
Channel 7’s Sunrise anchor. Got out of bed on wrong side? Allow world weary and cynical morning newsman scyth clear path through your day, courtesy of laconic, dry wit and amusing conservative observations. Ignore silly blonde bint at his side, Chris is the real deal: A prick of the highest order

3. Sandra Sully
A reason to stay up late. This woman could tell you the world was ending, you’d just sit and stare at her in awe. Definition of a MILF

4. John Howard
Doddering old footsoldier of The West, Howard is your classic junk yard dog: An ugly little fucker who picks fights with bigger dogs, never backs down, and is unswervingly loyal to his owner

5. George W. Bush
Owner of afore-mentioned mutt. Redneck, sabre-rattler, posseser of ‘the button’. A man incapable of stringing a sentence together. That’ll be the Leader Of The Free World, then

6. Martin Tyler
“Owen.. still Owen.. Anderton… ANDERTONNN!!!!!”. Aah. Music to the ears.

7. David Beckham
Commander of The Three Lions, England’s finest. Witness the furore over Beckham’s broken foot earlier in the year: Had it occurred in the home fixture instead of in Spain, can be certain Diego Tristan would have been hung, drawn and quartered, the remains posted in all corners of Manchester to serve as a reminder to the Argentinians: Leave our boys alone!

8. Osama Bin Laden
World’s first bona-fide ‘super-villain’ ie; Nasty, but not actually in charge of a country. So scary the Americans have plum forgotten about him, due to his refusal to hang large neon sign around neck and parade himself up and down Pennsylvania Avenue

9. Thom Yorke
A true artist, a man who suffers so we don’t have to. Radiohead’s linchpin is so intense you actually believe he’d ‘do’ a Van Gogh if he thought it would help the next album

10. Tony Blair
Sorry, I meant Tony Soprano

Ten things that are supposed to make you proud of this country

1. ANZAC spirit
Built around hilarious idea that the Antipodean soldier was used as cannon fodder and died better better than anyone else. During world wars, Aussie soldiers were herded onto war fields laced with mines so Johnny Foreigner would have something to shoot at. Afterwards, Englands finest would sit down on muddy plains of the Somme and enjoy afternoon tea and parlour games with Hitler and co. But of course!

2. Sport
Ineffectual when it comes to international politics. Lazy when it comes to aid. Xenophobic. Far too nationalistic (condition known as ‘little man syndrome’). Sport, therefore, is used as theatre of war, a siphon through which nations competitive nature flows. Just as well, as actual military war machine consists of three ‘nuclear’ sardine cans, Phillip Ruddock and BB gun

3. Beer
Australians are renowned the world over for their drinking culture. So why is it all their beers are low percentage? And everything’s served in children’s glasses?

4. Multiculturalism
A proud multicultural nation. Note affectionate terms for ‘other coloured’ inhabitants: Wog. Nip. Coon. Oh, sorry, the ‘Coons’ were here first apparently. No matter. Also note large ‘No Vacancies’ sign off northern coast

5. The Wiggles
Childrens song merchants turned million dollar industry. Once sold out Madison Square Gardens. True story. But where’s Dorothy?

6. Tony Lockett
Fat, untalented, goal sitter, who became ‘symbol of our great game’. If you were 6’ 4”, built like a brick shithouse, and stood in the five yard box for over a decade, you’d have kicked 1300 goals too

7. Steve Irwin
Crikey! Fat Queenslander whose khaki outfits and none-more-Aussie hair have facillitated in the creation of look best described as ‘Communist with a mullet’. Enjoy’s a role in the mud with the odd crocodile. True: Is friends with Bruce Willis

8. Uluru
World’s biggest pebble. That’s it. If it was in America, they at least would have put a casino/hotel in it

9. The America’s Cup
Apparently we won it once, many moons ago. Still something that is harped on about, even though fact that man who bankrolled win turned out to be financial Anti-Christ is now swept under table of history

10. Barry Sheene, Russell Crowe, Mel Gibson, Jimmy Barnes, et al
Apparently this country’s habit of clasping someone to the nation’s bosom so tightly we actually forget which country said celebrity comes from is something to be proud of. So lets set the record straight: Barry Sheene? English. Jimmy Barnes? Scottish. Mel Gibson? American. And Russell Crowe came from New Zealand, who were quite happy to be rid of the cunt

Twenty things that seemed like a good idea at the time.

1. Menswear
Born of a time when the British public would devour, well anything, Menswear’s gimmick was that they wore suits and dated members of Elastica. Wisely dropped by record company before second album was unleashed

2. Hypercolour t-shirts
Be honest; How many washes did yours last? Idea that someone would actually WANT to see which area of your body is sweating lasted about as long the shirt did

3. GI Joe paratroopers
Hasbro’s crowning achievement. Aforementioned toy company brought glimmer of excitement to pre-pubescent pundit by including gossamer-thin “parachute” with US imperialist shock trooper, encouraging young boys (aged 7+) across land to throw ‘Long Arm Of Uncle Sam’ out of second floor window, gaping slack jawed as Joe became entangled, hurtling towards gravel driveway like Exocet Ballistic Missile. Invariably, Joe died on impact

4. FHM
“Wow! Isn’t Playboy great!? Mind you, not sure lads are that interested in the nudity though. Stick ‘em bikinis!” Bravo, Titus Moronicus

5. Toploader
Statistics show that by 2005, entire world’s population will have heard “Dancing In The Moonlight” 231.7 times. Each. Carrot Top and his merry band of carreerists have a new album out. Does anyone give a fuck?

6. Buckfast
Cruel Scottish joke on unsuspecting home counties tourists, festival goers and Americans. Said beverage’s ‘Bouquet’ less like a wine, more like a mixture of Turpentine and Ribena

7. Mullets
Okay, an easy target, but with the style coming back into vogue, one that must be warned against. Still sported by AFL players of yesteryear, in unionistic stab at solidarity and defiance of Shane Crawford and ‘The Girlielocks brigade’

8. Appeasement
Idea that if you give a bully what he wants he’ll be happy. He won’t. He’ll invade Poland, and the French will bend over backwards for him, showering him in truffles and croissants

9. Big Brother
Jean-Paul Sartre would have field day with 24hr, twelve week ‘love in’. Hell isn’t other people, Hell is watching wankers faff around on telly

10. Jamie Oliver
Speaking of wankers on telly, every mothers favourite (© Sainsburys): The Pukka Fukka is EVERYWHERE, Shoving his commercial treasures in your face. Would sell his own grandmother if he thought it would make his book a hit, safe in knowledge he goes to sleep on a bed made of £100 notes

11. The Osbournes
Ozzy and Sharon are still cool. Shame about the kids. Kelly and ‘The Unabomber one’ spend each episode flailing their arms and screeching at their parents because they aren’t allowed to freebase Crack after midnight, or something

12. Grunge
Yes, Nirvana were great, Soundgarden too. But Alice In Chains? And why, oh why, did Kurt have to make lumberjack shirts ‘cool’ again?

13. Disco
Fat sweaty trannies snorting Coke off the nipples of nubile teenage girls at Studio 54. Sounds like a right barrel of laughs

14. Thatcher
Blue rinse Darth Vader. Spent weekends with loyal lapdog/husband Dennis, fashioning lampshades from the skin of miners and the working class. Friends with Pinochet, which explains nice line in fascist political technique

15. Offing William Wallace
Sure, we kept them down for a few hundred years, but thanks to Mel Gibson, Billy Braveheart ressurrected as Scottish national hero du jour. Representation of Wallace as acid crazed Aussie surfer at Glastonbury yet to be historically verified

16. Temazepam
With a heroin drought in Scotland in the early to mid ‘90’s, Glaswegian scamps decided to steal titular anti-depressant from pharmacies, heat it up, and inject. Great, except when it cools down in your bloodstream it hardens, and you may require an amputation or two

17. Blair
“Great! We got rid of the Tories! This guys okay! He likes Blur! He know who Radiohead are! He wants to privatise everything and cut jobs! No wait, hang on… Oh, he’s another Tory.” Fools!

18. Ibiza
Once idyllic retreat, now place where Oakenfold works. Hovel of vomit, drugs, greasy Londoners who are either covered in a)sunscreen so thick you could write your name in it, or b) third degree burns, more vomit, and camera crews. Instead of paying £300 pounds for said ‘experience’, simply buy Ministry Of Sound CD, lather up, neck ten E’s and lie on solarium bed for week: At least some bloke called Gareth won’t blow a whistle in your ear all night

19. Taking advice from songs
NEVER, EVER take advice from songs. If you love someone, don’t set them free; Always lock them in the cellar

20. Gangsta rap
2Pac- “Look at me! I’m famous! People love my music! I’m starring in films! All this money! Ain’t life grand, brother? Ah. I appear to be dead.” Fact that man’s records still fly out of shops probably of negligible consolation Mr. Shakur

Britney in "record not complete steaming pile of shit" shocker!

Boys, Her last single, produced by studio uber-wizards The Neptunes, was actually rather catchy. Pharrell Williams did a nice little rap thingy on it. In fact, the worst thing about it was the appearance of Mike "Dead since '98" Myers. Yuk. Still, took the mind off current events. namely Bali. Which is next door. oh dear.

House of the Mouse

Sitting and waiting for the bombs to fall down, sitting, waiting.
Swim through the crowd.
Against currents.
Don’t let me drown, throw me a tyre-
Something, anything. Things to help me-
Float.

NASDAQ, stocks plummet, personal fortunes gone. The slate wiped [c]lean. Ready for the vultures and hogs to suckle and scavenge.

Rules us like a king. Lord of all he surveys, and then some. Sees the clouds on the horizon, mushrooms in the field of his mind. Little boy lost, little boy lost. Misses daddy. Oh, he missed his daddy. Burn that sucka! That’ll show ‘em! Big guns means bigger morals. The lord is his shotgun. Praise be!

PRAISE BE!!

Imperialist fatwa.
Peace activisism is terrorism says Donald, Mickey agrees. Don’t talk back to your pop-

-NEVER talk back to Pop. Less’n you want a whoopin’.