Twenty things that seemed like a good idea at the time.

1. Menswear
Born of a time when the British public would devour, well anything, Menswear’s gimmick was that they wore suits and dated members of Elastica. Wisely dropped by record company before second album was unleashed

2. Hypercolour t-shirts
Be honest; How many washes did yours last? Idea that someone would actually WANT to see which area of your body is sweating lasted about as long the shirt did

3. GI Joe paratroopers
Hasbro’s crowning achievement. Aforementioned toy company brought glimmer of excitement to pre-pubescent pundit by including gossamer-thin “parachute” with US imperialist shock trooper, encouraging young boys (aged 7+) across land to throw ‘Long Arm Of Uncle Sam’ out of second floor window, gaping slack jawed as Joe became entangled, hurtling towards gravel driveway like Exocet Ballistic Missile. Invariably, Joe died on impact

4. FHM
“Wow! Isn’t Playboy great!? Mind you, not sure lads are that interested in the nudity though. Stick ‘em bikinis!” Bravo, Titus Moronicus

5. Toploader
Statistics show that by 2005, entire world’s population will have heard “Dancing In The Moonlight” 231.7 times. Each. Carrot Top and his merry band of carreerists have a new album out. Does anyone give a fuck?

6. Buckfast
Cruel Scottish joke on unsuspecting home counties tourists, festival goers and Americans. Said beverage’s ‘Bouquet’ less like a wine, more like a mixture of Turpentine and Ribena

7. Mullets
Okay, an easy target, but with the style coming back into vogue, one that must be warned against. Still sported by AFL players of yesteryear, in unionistic stab at solidarity and defiance of Shane Crawford and ‘The Girlielocks brigade’

8. Appeasement
Idea that if you give a bully what he wants he’ll be happy. He won’t. He’ll invade Poland, and the French will bend over backwards for him, showering him in truffles and croissants

9. Big Brother
Jean-Paul Sartre would have field day with 24hr, twelve week ‘love in’. Hell isn’t other people, Hell is watching wankers faff around on telly

10. Jamie Oliver
Speaking of wankers on telly, every mothers favourite (© Sainsburys): The Pukka Fukka is EVERYWHERE, Shoving his commercial treasures in your face. Would sell his own grandmother if he thought it would make his book a hit, safe in knowledge he goes to sleep on a bed made of £100 notes

11. The Osbournes
Ozzy and Sharon are still cool. Shame about the kids. Kelly and ‘The Unabomber one’ spend each episode flailing their arms and screeching at their parents because they aren’t allowed to freebase Crack after midnight, or something

12. Grunge
Yes, Nirvana were great, Soundgarden too. But Alice In Chains? And why, oh why, did Kurt have to make lumberjack shirts ‘cool’ again?

13. Disco
Fat sweaty trannies snorting Coke off the nipples of nubile teenage girls at Studio 54. Sounds like a right barrel of laughs

14. Thatcher
Blue rinse Darth Vader. Spent weekends with loyal lapdog/husband Dennis, fashioning lampshades from the skin of miners and the working class. Friends with Pinochet, which explains nice line in fascist political technique

15. Offing William Wallace
Sure, we kept them down for a few hundred years, but thanks to Mel Gibson, Billy Braveheart ressurrected as Scottish national hero du jour. Representation of Wallace as acid crazed Aussie surfer at Glastonbury yet to be historically verified

16. Temazepam
With a heroin drought in Scotland in the early to mid ‘90’s, Glaswegian scamps decided to steal titular anti-depressant from pharmacies, heat it up, and inject. Great, except when it cools down in your bloodstream it hardens, and you may require an amputation or two

17. Blair
“Great! We got rid of the Tories! This guys okay! He likes Blur! He know who Radiohead are! He wants to privatise everything and cut jobs! No wait, hang on… Oh, he’s another Tory.” Fools!

18. Ibiza
Once idyllic retreat, now place where Oakenfold works. Hovel of vomit, drugs, greasy Londoners who are either covered in a)sunscreen so thick you could write your name in it, or b) third degree burns, more vomit, and camera crews. Instead of paying £300 pounds for said ‘experience’, simply buy Ministry Of Sound CD, lather up, neck ten E’s and lie on solarium bed for week: At least some bloke called Gareth won’t blow a whistle in your ear all night

19. Taking advice from songs
NEVER, EVER take advice from songs. If you love someone, don’t set them free; Always lock them in the cellar

20. Gangsta rap
2Pac- “Look at me! I’m famous! People love my music! I’m starring in films! All this money! Ain’t life grand, brother? Ah. I appear to be dead.” Fact that man’s records still fly out of shops probably of negligible consolation Mr. Shakur