Ten things that are supposed to make you proud of this country

1. ANZAC spirit
Built around hilarious idea that the Antipodean soldier was used as cannon fodder and died better better than anyone else. During world wars, Aussie soldiers were herded onto war fields laced with mines so Johnny Foreigner would have something to shoot at. Afterwards, Englands finest would sit down on muddy plains of the Somme and enjoy afternoon tea and parlour games with Hitler and co. But of course!

2. Sport
Ineffectual when it comes to international politics. Lazy when it comes to aid. Xenophobic. Far too nationalistic (condition known as ‘little man syndrome’). Sport, therefore, is used as theatre of war, a siphon through which nations competitive nature flows. Just as well, as actual military war machine consists of three ‘nuclear’ sardine cans, Phillip Ruddock and BB gun

3. Beer
Australians are renowned the world over for their drinking culture. So why is it all their beers are low percentage? And everything’s served in children’s glasses?

4. Multiculturalism
A proud multicultural nation. Note affectionate terms for ‘other coloured’ inhabitants: Wog. Nip. Coon. Oh, sorry, the ‘Coons’ were here first apparently. No matter. Also note large ‘No Vacancies’ sign off northern coast

5. The Wiggles
Childrens song merchants turned million dollar industry. Once sold out Madison Square Gardens. True story. But where’s Dorothy?

6. Tony Lockett
Fat, untalented, goal sitter, who became ‘symbol of our great game’. If you were 6’ 4”, built like a brick shithouse, and stood in the five yard box for over a decade, you’d have kicked 1300 goals too

7. Steve Irwin
Crikey! Fat Queenslander whose khaki outfits and none-more-Aussie hair have facillitated in the creation of look best described as ‘Communist with a mullet’. Enjoy’s a role in the mud with the odd crocodile. True: Is friends with Bruce Willis

8. Uluru
World’s biggest pebble. That’s it. If it was in America, they at least would have put a casino/hotel in it

9. The America’s Cup
Apparently we won it once, many moons ago. Still something that is harped on about, even though fact that man who bankrolled win turned out to be financial Anti-Christ is now swept under table of history

10. Barry Sheene, Russell Crowe, Mel Gibson, Jimmy Barnes, et al
Apparently this country’s habit of clasping someone to the nation’s bosom so tightly we actually forget which country said celebrity comes from is something to be proud of. So lets set the record straight: Barry Sheene? English. Jimmy Barnes? Scottish. Mel Gibson? American. And Russell Crowe came from New Zealand, who were quite happy to be rid of the cunt